I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
