how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
