He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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