Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
