thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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