You're my little dorito
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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