nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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