I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
