Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
