apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
