He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
