he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
