Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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