You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
