Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
