I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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