Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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