I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
