How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
