sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
