please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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