I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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