Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
