just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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