Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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