So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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