They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
