the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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