woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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