Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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