I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
