She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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