Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
