dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
