i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
