I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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