I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
