cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
