I met the friendliest cop last night
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Never underestimate the power of titties
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
