If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
