You smell like a Billy Joel song
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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