I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Send help, water and tortillas.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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