i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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