I accidentally had phone sex last night
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
