I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
