My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
