I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
