I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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