dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
