My girlfriend figured out who you are.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
