im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
