I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
