Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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