life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
